the soul searching has begun

i think i put it off for a long time, inadvertently or accidentally, but it was put off and now it has begun. maybe because i am alone in more ways than one, i am in a new city, in a place i have always wanted to be and feels like the right place to me. maybe because i am doing what i want to do all the time, there are no more distractions. maybe because everything i want is so close, so graspable, becoming more plausible in reality and in my mind every day. in any case, i am changing or trying to change or thinking about how i have changed but haven't quite noticed it yet.

i'm remembering how to have fun again. i'm learning how to slow down and relax. i'm trying to fight off this shaking leg i've had my whole life, or at least understand what it means. i'm trying to eat better, sleep more, and interact with people. i'm trying to be balanced and healthy. being busy is not fun and not fulfilling, even if you are accomplishing and achieving a lot. being at the top is great but it gets lonely fast, as does the climb to the top. it feels great to find something you are decent at but know you can get better at with time and to know that you will be happy just working towards getting better at this one thing. i am learning that not reading every book, seeing every movie, or traveling to every place is not going to make my life poorer, but not taking the time to enjoy the one book, the one movie, or the one location will. it is the quality of the moments, not the quantity.

i am learning not to do things i don't want to. i am friendly and giving and kind but am learning to speak up when i feel taken advantage of. i am growing as an artist and a citizen. i am opening up and acknowledging that i am not quite as honest with how i feel as i used to be. walls were erected for protection, and now they need to be taken down. i need to write more, because i feel like i'm getting stupid. emails and text messages don't count. i am learning to hate computers and email. i have always hated talking on the phone. it's a love-hate relationship with each of them. i desire human contact, shared experiences, close friendship and companionship. past transgressions are slipping away and being replaced by a blank slate, a freshness and innocence. a forgiveness, possibly, or just a willingness to live again.

i try to walk slow. i try to look up at the sky and buildings. i try to not sit down at my computer to check my email every day when i wake up and every time i come home. my problem is my stomach aches with creativity and ambition and they are hard things to shoulder sometimes, especially when you are alone. but i have a love for life, a zest for everything and anything. an energy and appreciation for every moment, even the bad ones. this can lead me to feeling overwhelmed, to wanting to experience everything, wanting to write down every day's proceedings and photograph all my trips to create works of art that will outlive me and explain me. i want to learn things to tell my kids. i don't want to become a person who watches tv every night or be a bad father. i want to be in love again. and i want to win an oscar. but that can wait. and is negotiable. 

wow, all that just came out of me because i took a couple minutes to slow down and read a book in the park. i should probably do that more often...